PRIVATE PARTY

I am listening to India Ire sing 'Private Party'. A celebration of the woman she has become. So, when was the last time you threw yourself a party, did all your favourite things in the world, shut out the rest of the world and sat with you, laughed, sang, danced and cried? Cleansed your body and soul of the world tardiness, war and rumours of wars, hunger, lack, leftover anger at the persons you had allowed to hurt you, treat you like crap, took all you had and never gave back, for the family who constantly don't see or hear you, the friends who choose to become your enemies, the boss who never gives you credit or the colleague who just doesn't seem to get it?

How about throwing you that party? You go all out, get your favourite stuff together; a book, bubble bath, a great wine or chocolate vanilla ice cream; or the sinfully delicious cheese cake (forget the waistline for this once), some great music, hide away and give thanks for the person you have become, for the challenges you have gone through to be here. Forgive yourself for thinking less of yourself, for giving yourself less than you are worth, for allowing people to come in and hurt you, take from you and leave you running on empty. Forgive yourself for thinking that they have power over you, that you serve no purpose, for losing sight of the greatness that you are destined for. Know for a fact that no one can really hurt you but you and those unrealistic expectations.. That you can give yourself every wonderful thing you deserve and more. That when you finally love you the way you were meant to, you will give and give and give and give and give for you have love's prerogative – to give

So, every now and then, step back and throw yourself a private party and celebrate the person you are constantly becoming, getting renewed by appreciating your abilities, your challenges, your failures which give you the opportunity to know what doesn't work and needs to be thrown out. Sing, dance, jump with glee like a little child discovering the many great things that life has in store, just waiting for you to unravel the packages it's presented as your family, your friends, work.......

Go on.......have your party.

SOMETIMES

Sometimes,
I catch a glimpse of you
In the million strangers
That I encounter in my daily life
Sometimes
I catch a glimpse of you
In someone else’s face
A smile given
A twinkle in the eye
A gentle touch felt
Sometimes
I catch a glimpse of you
In the perfect body movement
Swaying to a tune
Or walking down the street
Sometimes, yes sometimes
I catch a glimpse of you
In the everydayness of life
In things so typical
Yet they serve to remind me
That there is continuity
Of love
Of life
Of hope,
Of caring
So I continue to live.

Original composition for a friend from Rwanda Jeff Rwabudariko who died in a road accident.

ThE OnE

I should have told him. She thought again, agonizing that the opportunity had passed. Her thoughts ran amok and her own voice screamed "I love you with everything in me. From the first moment I saw you, my heart skipped the proverbial beat, it felt like for a minute there, my breathing stopped. The same happens to me when I see you now." But she hadn't spoken a word because at the same moment she was thinking of everything he had put her through, knowing that she really owed him nothing, not even the time of day. Yet, she was stuck and couldn't stop thinking that he be all that and a bag of chips. Her heart seemed to have made a decision to love only him, as imperfect as he was. She loved him because doing so completed her, made her a better, happier person. She accepted that how she felt did not necessarily have to be at par with how he felt about her. She promised herself that she would grow in this relationship, tend to it with all the tenderness it required to bring it to an independent place, where it would continue to thrive.Therefore she decided to let him know that she was no longer afraid, that she choose life, life with him in it. The distance counted for nought when the joy of seeing him was something amazingly wonderful to look forward to. He was the one. He had always been , always would be the one.

SMILE

I opened my eyes and smiled.
The sun was not streaming into my room, yet I smiled.
I smiled at the infinite possibilities that today would bring me,
I smiled as I received my blessings for the day, an hourly promise
I smiled as I said thank you for the smile that stretched my lips into a beautiful curve,
I smiled at the possibility to be all that I wanted and should be,
I smiled at the beauty of a gray day that made me hopeful of a speck of sunshine,
I smile now at the inspiration, drawn from the mundaness of the day,
I smile,
My heart skips a beat and leaps in a joyous dance,
My step is lighter, springier
And today, all is possible.
So, I smile some more.

Here We Are

Doing a dance. Stepping hesitantly towards each other. Carefully I place my hand into yours, feel your arm draw me close to you, afraid of the warmth and the tenderness, yet needing it like the earth needs the rain. We move slowly, breathing in and out quietly, to still the tremors that course through our bodies involuntarily. We're here. A place familiar yet strange. How is that possible?

The tension slowly seeps away, making way to a languorous feel. I draw closer still, want to melt into you. I feel you draw closer too, feel the strength in your body bind me to you. I breath in your essence. I want to be here. I know I need to be here. I sense your joy of been here.

And so here we are!

Inner You

Today her heart broke. Or so she thought. In retrospect, it was just the existing wear and tear showing up, reminding her that she had not healed. Guess when you use tape instead of super glue, you will be in trouble. She let her heart take over, lost all her objectivity, listening to his pleadings and believing his promises of eternal love. She dared to look back, to hope that they could still work. How did she get here? When did she miss the turning and wound up on this familiar yet terrifying road?

In the process, she did get a new perspective. She stepped outside her realm and looked on, as the drama unfolded. She had been sucker punched and getting perspective when you are doubled up in pain, wasn't an easy feat. The pain reminded her to breath, to reach up and get up from way down there in the pit of self pity.

She is still smarting over, annoyed for the time lost, absolutely pissed off, especially at herself for losing focus, getting her eye off the real project. She has to start all over again and she can only hope that the footing lost will not cost her some more years of anguish and loneliness. Yes, her heart broke today but the most amazing thing happened.....her inner eyes opened and her sense of self arose. She is not just listening, she is understanding what is required of her.

Waiting

She did all she could have done, tried to move on to no avail. So she resolved to wait for him to figure it out, that they were connected for life. That walking away was never an option. That it didn't matter how far away he stayed or the fact that he never called. Her flings, the CFAs counted for nothing. They just had to be here, starting all over, knowing that they were meant to be. It was long in coming, the wait felt like a lifetime.

They both know that they are not there yet, but knowing that thus far they have come, the journey ahead is bearable. They have loved each other relentlessly even as one heart went south and the other east.....longed, yearned even for the moment when they would come back to the centre. A place warmed by friendship made over the years, though it has taken a beating, there's more than embers to light the fires to get them going again.

And the waiting is worth the joy of their culmination.